Kittens, Cannons, and Applesauce
by FullmetalWizard1995
Summary: Complete crackfic. Just like the title says, there are kittens, cannons, and some applesauce. Also, a lot of randomness. Will be updated every so often when I am in need of some insanity. Chapter six: Father has a restaurant.
1. Chapter 1: Boxes of Kittens

…**yeah, I have no excuse here. I was insanely bored, and the only thing I could think about was kittens. Now please enjoy the product of this odd combination! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist**

Edward, Alphonse, and Roy walk down a street in Central and run into Lust, Envy, and Pride who are all carrying cartons of kittens for no particular reason.

"KITTIES! Gimme gimme gimme!" Alphonse yells at the top of his lungs.

Edward smacks his forehead and sighs heavily. "Al, how many times do I have to tell you? NO CATS."

"But brother!" Al pouts. "They're so fluffy and lovable and delicious and…"

At this, everyone's jaw drops to the ground. Al, nervous at being discovered, searches his mind for a way to distract everyone.

"Uh, er, I mean, um…" he mumbles. Then he points at Envy and screams, "LOOK A FLYING PALMTREE!"

Now it's Roy's turn to look at Alphonse with exhaustion. "Al, he's not flying."

Al looks around shiftily, and then comes up with a plan. "One moment…"

Al transmutes a giant cannon into which he stuffs Envy. Roy uses his flame alchemy to light the fuse. Envy is shot into the sky and lands in a pile of applesauce. Al picks up Envy's abandoned box of kittens and runs into the corner so he can play with them.

Lust gets very angry.** "**Hey, you dumb suit of armor!" she yells at Alphonse. "Why would you want Envy's kittens? They're all mean and evil, while mine are prissy and gorgeous!" She flips her hair and giggles.

"I wouldn't mind a prissy and gorgeous kitten, if you know what I mean…" Roy says with a suggestive twinkle in his eye.

Suddenly, a portal appears under their feet and transports them back to the room where Lust died. This time, she defeats Roy, which makes him very ashamed so he goes and hides with Envy in the applesauce. Lust is transported back to Pride, Edward, and Alphonse.

Lust flips her hair again and smiles triumphantly. "Now THAT'S what should have happened the first time around!"

"You may have beaten the colonel," Edward grins cockily, "but you'll never beat me! I defeated Pride!"

"That's really not that much of an accomplishment…" Lust deadpans.

Pride is furious. He raises his little fist in the air and cries,** "**HEY! I am the oldest homunculus! Beating me should be the highest honor!"

"Oh, really?" Lust raises an eyebrow.

The portal reappears and transports Lust and Pride onto a cloud. Lust, who is not smart, thought that clouds were solid so she ends up falling through them and into the applesauce with Roy and Envy, which makes Roy very, very happy. Envy suddenly wishes he was not in the applesauce. His wish is granted, and he reappears with Ed and Al. Pride gently lands on the ground because he can use his shadows like a parachute. The shadows don't like this, but they're just shadows so no one really cares.

Pride says, while smiling proudly at his victory, "And that is why I am the oldest, most powerful homunculus!"

"But what about the fact that you're the _shortest_ homunculus?" Envy sneers.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR BECAUSE THE HANDLE'S TOO HIGH?" Ed yells for no particular reason, since no one was talking to him anyway.

Envy decides to state the obvious. "Uh, I was talking to Pride…"

"You said short. That was all I needed to hear."

Alphonse has now left the corner because the box of kittens he had before has mysteriously disappeared, including the actual box. He joins the conversation with an apologetic, "Please forgive my brother. He subconsciously reacts to any joke made about height, even if it's not about his height."

Now Roy and Lust return from the applesauce, both very applesauce-y and Roy looking very giddy.

"Heeheehee," Roy giggles maniacally, "you'll never guess what I just did!"

Edward retches. "You sick and disgusting man…"

Roy is not fazed by this, and leaves to go take a shower, humming his own version of "I'm Too Sexy." Lust follows him, displaying such a look of helpless infatuation that it makes Envy swear very, very coarsely. So coarsely, in fact, that a stray bolt of lightning comes and strikes him and turns him into a charbroiled palm tree. Envy is so embarrassed that he runs away crying, leaving only Ed, Pride, and a kitten-less Al remaining. Al suddenly notices Lust's abandoned box of prissy gorgeous kittens.

"YAY MORE KITTIES!" Alphonse yells, stars in his eyes. He picks up the box of kittens and prances around singing, "Tralalalala…"

"Alphonse, put down the box of kittens right now or we won't go for ice cream!" Edward commands, hands on his hips.

"You're so mean, big brother!" Al sniffles. "That's why no one likes you!"

Al runs off crying, still carrying the box of kittens, who are now meowing furiously. Ed sighs exasperatedly and starts to go after him, leaving only Pride standing on the street, still holding his box of kittens, which ironically only contains one kitten.

"Looks like I proved Father wrong," Pride says with glee. "I got to keep my kitty!" He puts down the box, takes out the kitten, and starts to head back to the homunculi lair.

"Come on, Pride Jr.," he says, "let's leave before any more strange things happen…"

**Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I should get some more sleep or something…heh. Review if you laughed at least once! **


	2. Chapter 2: Return of Pride Jr

**Oh dear, here comes chapter two. I must really be insane. Anyway, for those of you interested, this time round there is the return of Pride Jr., applesauce, and that cannon. There's more, too, but I don't wanna spoil :) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. If I did, well, the whole series mighta turned out an eensy weensy little bit like this fic…**

In father's lair, Pride is sitting on a sofa with Pride Jr. on his lap. He looks very bored, and is absently petting Pride Jr.'s fluffy head.

"Oh, Pride Jr.," Pride sighs, "whatever shall we do? Lust is gone shopping with Gluttony, Greed is trying to get Sloth to wake up, Wrath is off doing some sort of boring political crap and no one seems to love Envy so it's just you and I today."

A voice suddenly comes from nowhere. "And me!"

Pride jumps off the couch in shock, sending Pride Jr. flying. "AAAAHHH WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?"

"MEOWR!" Pride Jr. cries as he lands on the floor, hurting his fluffy kitty ears.

Pride quickly scoops up his kitty and apologizes.** "**Oops, sorry for dropping you, Pride Jr." He turns back to the creepy intruder. "Anywho, who the heck are you?"

The mysterious person has a creepy smile on her face as she says, "I'm…your…NEW BEST FRIEND!"

The mysterious person runs out and tackles Pride, who screams and throws Pride Jr. across the room. Fortunately, the shadows catch the poor kitty before he smashes into the floor. The shadows then attempt to eat Pride Jr., but his cries go unheard by Pride, who is being crushed by this person who claims to be his best friend.

"Get…off…you…creeper…" Pride gasps.

"WHY? DON'T YOU LOVE ME, PRIDE?" the mysterious person sobs, refusing to get off the homunculus.

Pride is shocked. "WHAT? No! I don't even know your name!"

"I'm Sally," says the mysterious person, "also known as the applesauce lady from the previous chapter!"

Pride stares blankly at Sally, which causes Sally to get annoyed.

"See! I'll prove it to you! Watch," Sally commands. She gets up off Pride, but before Pride can run away, she claps her hands twice. A trap door in the ceiling opens up and out comes a massive amount of applesauce which also happens to contain Roy Mustang and Lust, who look like they've been…um…busy.

"WAAAAAAAGGGHHH!" Pride screams, running around in circles and waving his tiny arms. "I HATE APPLESAUCE!"

"Me too," Roy sighs, "except when the applesauce contains Lust."

Lust gives the alchemist a look of hopeless infatuation. "Oh, you crazy, flame-obsessed man…" she draws out. Then, the pair dive back into the applesauce. No one looks in to see what they're doing because no one really wants to know. The sound effects are enough.

Pride shudders in horror. "Uhh, I don't really want to be in here anymore…" he says. "Sally, would you be so kind as to make all this applesauce disappear?"

"Sure!" Sally smiles. She claps her hands three times, and the cannon from the previous chapter appears. A giant apple-magnet inside it attracts all the applesauce. It then fires the applesauce far into the distance. Roy and Lust, unfortunately, are left sitting on the floor.

"Uh, Lust," Roy begins uncertainly, "our cover's kinda blown…"

"It seems that way…" Lust pouts, sad that her fun's come to an end. "Time for the ultra-homunculus-auto-escape feature?"

"Quickly, please!" Roy urges.

Lust waves her hands around in the air, and with a flash of pink light, she and Roy disappear to who-knows-where to do we-all-know-what. Pride and Sally stare at the place the couple last were until Pride Jr. makes himself known again.

"Meowr!"

"Oh, my precious!" Pride dotes, picking up his kitty, "I forgot about you! Let's make this hag disappear and then we can spend the rest of the day in silence."

Pride's shadows reappear, pick up Sally, and toss her out the window. Sally is very heavy, though, so this hard for the shadows. They complain, but no one listens because no one cares about shadows.

Pride sighs and sits back down on the couch. "Ahhh, beautiful silence. And now, to relax!"

"I'm HOOOOOOOOOMMMMEE!" Envy yells, leaping stupidly through the door.

Pride smacks his forehead and yells in frustration. "Aw, CRAP!"

Envy holds something out for Pride to see. "Look, I got a friend for Pride Jr.! I named him Little Envy. Look, they're already getting to know each other!"

Little Envy, who happens to be hairless, hisses viciously at the small, fluffy creature that is Pride Jr. Pride Jr. meows in terror and leaps up onto Pride's head. Little Envy follows. They both begin to scratch viciously at each other (and Pride's head).

"!" Pride yells as he runs around in circles, waving his arms, and Pride Jr. and Little Envy squabble on his head.

Envy laughs maliciously. "Mwahahaha…"

**Yup. That's it. For now… ;) Review if you found it funny, or if you think I should tap a little farther into my insane subconscious and make another messed up chapter! I'm also going to open up to suggestions if you have any. Anyway, thanks for reading! **


	3. Chapter 3: Catfire, or Death of Lust

A warm Central day, Pride walks down a dark, deserted alleyway. This doesn't bother him because he has his shadows to protect him. The shadows don't like being used as a shield, but since they can't talk no one cares.

"Lalalalala…" Pride sings as he skips down the alleyway. Suddenly, he trips and falls spectacularly on his face. "WHOA! What did I just trip over?"

"Hey!" the thing Pride tripped over yells. "Watch it! AND DON'T YOU DARE STEP IN THAT PILE OF ASHES!"

Pride glances at the pile of ashes before looking back to the thing he tripped over. "Uh, why? And who are you?"

"I am Roy Mustang, idiot, and that pile of ashes was once my loverly and beloved Lust…sob…"

"Why is she all burnt?" Pride asks without any emotion.

Roy bursts into very unmanly tears. "BECAUSE SHE WAS CHEATING ON ME! WAAAAHHH!"

"Uhhh…with who?"

Roy sniffles. "None other than the horrible, backstabbing-"

"Me!" a newcomer interrupts.

"…Jean Havoc." Roy finishes.

Jean greets them like a gangster. "Sup, mah homies!"

"Hello!" Pride waves cheerfully.

Roy is not happy with Pride being so friendly toward Jean. "DON'T YOU DARE SAY HELLO TO THAT GIRLFRIEND-STEALING JERK!" He is overcome by rage and begins wildly waving his arms. Unfortunately, he hasn't taken off his spark gloves yet, so when his left hand hits the dumpster, causing his fingers to snap, a large and rather hot flame flies out and burns Pride to a crisp.

Jean stares at the pile of ashes that was Pride with shock, wonder, and awe. "Whoa. HOW'D YOU DO THAT?"

"I've no idea," Roy says truthfully. "Let's get out of here before something weirder hap-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Jean stares at this bawling newcomer, who happens to be Alphonse holding a kitty, with mild interest.

"Al, what are you crying for?" Roy Mustang asks.

Al shoves the fake kitty in their face. "LOOK! LOOK! THE KITTY! It's…it's…DEEAAADD!" He starts crying even harder.

Jean studies the cat for a moment, then says confidently, "No, it's not. It's fake."

Al's tears stop instantly and he asks, "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely," Jean nods. "My mom has cats like that all over her front lawn. Wait…Al, where did you get that cat from?"

Al looks around nervously. "…your mother's lawn…"

Jean's face gets very red and he yells, "GO RETURN THAT RIGHT NOW YOU CRAZY ARMOR BOY OR I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!"

Alphonse shrugs and says nonchalantly, "Okay, here you go." He takes his head off and chucks it, and Jean is smoked and falls down. Roy gets up to help him, but Al has other plans. He points at Roy and Jean dramatically and yells, "Giant kitty, I choose you!"

Roy and Jean look at each other in confusion. "What the…AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHH!"

The giant kitty leaps out of nowhere and tackles them to the ground, clawing. "MROW! MEOW MEOW MROWR! (translation: How dare you insult Master Alphonse so by calling him a "crazy armor boy!")"

Fifteen minutes later, at Mrs. Havoc's house in Central, Mrs. Havoc is sitting on the porch, gazing longingly at the spot her plastic kitten used to be in.

"Oh dear," the old lady sighs, "I wonder where my plastic kitten has gotten to? I do hope Jean's doing all right…"

Across the city, and underground, Father is thinking about the loss of Lust and Pride.

"First Lust disappears, and now Pride?" he counts them off on his fingers. "I think I might need to get some insurance."

In a hotel room somewhere, Ed is marching around searching for Alphonse, running his hands through his hair.

"Al ran off again!" Edward yells in frustration, throwing a couch cushion across the room. "Probably with some cat, too…when will he learn that cats are not viable partners for marriage?"

Unfortunately, no one is worried about Roy. No one loves him. He killed two homunculi, which should be an impressive achievement, but no one is around to care. Except Jean, but he is too busy trying to repair his mother's cat statue that got shredded by the giant kitty. Once he is finished, he returns home. Now all that's left in the alleyway are two piles of scorched homunculus and shredded bits of colonel. The next person to walk down there will get a dandy surprise.

Oh yes, and some random applesauce is fired from some random cannon to some random spot that no one is aware of.


	4. Chapter 4: Envy's Plan

**Oi…what has possessed me to make me want to write a fourth chapter? Oh well. Here it is, in any case. Try not to let it scar you too much. **

**Disclaimer: do you REALLY think I would make all this up if I owned FMA? **

"Look, brother!" Alphonse cries as he runs into their hotel room.

"What is it?" Edward asks, his voice full of boredom.

Alphonse plonks whatever it is he has in his hands on the table in front of his brother. "It's a bear made entirely out of frozen applesauce!"

Edward looks up. Sure enough, there is a bear that looks quite a bit like a giant Teddy Graham right in front of his face. He licks its foot; yup, it's made of applesauce.

Suddenly, the frozen applesauce bear explodes into millions of tiny frozen applesauce bits, which stick themselves in the ceiling, the floor, and every available surface (this includes Alphonse's armor). Where the bear used to be, Edward spots a piece of paper. He picks it up and reads:

_Dear loser, _

_HA HA! My geniously designed exploding applesauce bear has just exploded in your face. SUCKER! You are officially pathetic because you fell for such a stupid ruse. LAME-O!_

_Sincerely (NOT), _

_Envy _

_P.S.- I'm not really Envy. I'm just using his name so he'll get blamed and not me. _

_P.S.S.- Don't come looking for me. You will never find me! MWAHAHAHAHA!_

_P.S.S.S.- Don't look in Father's Lair, because I'm definitely not there. _

Edward sighs and puts down the letter. "Well, I guess we can't go look in Father's lair."

"Why not?" Alphonse asks innocently.

"Because," Ed explains, "it says right here that they're not in Father's lair, so we shouldn't look there."

Alphonse smacked his brother because, as we all know, Ed is stupid and really deserved it. Also, he's too dense to figure out what the letter's really saying. So, long story short, Ed and Al left their applesauce-dented room to NOT go to Father's lair so they could NOT get revenge on someone who is NOT Envy.

When they get to the lair, Envy is sitting happily on the couch because he actually thinks his big plan was brilliant and the letter was totally not see-through.

"You!" Edward yells as he smacks Envy in the head repeatedly with a crowbar. "How dare you make a poor applesauce bear explode into bits! What kind of heartless, sadistic palmtree are you?"

Alphonse watches his brother beat up Envy, shaking his head. Suddenly, he has a brilliant idea. He re-transmutes the cannon from chapter one and fills it with chocolate. He grabs Edward and stuffs him in the chocolate-filled cannon. Then, he lights the fuse, and fires the Chocolate Edward Missile at Envy. The whole bundle flies into the wall and makes a lovely crater. Satisfied, Alphonse leaves to go find a kitty to harass.

Pride enters the lair with Pride Jr., sees the chocolatey-Edward-Envy mess, and gets the wrong idea.

"Eww," he says, wrinkling his nose, "you guys are disgusting." He commands his shadows to remove the unsightliness from his sight. The shadows don't want to touch the mess, but Pride is their commander so they cannot disobey even when they really, really want to. So they suck it up and toss the chocolatey-Edward-Envy mess back into the cannon, and it gets fired off far, far away.

"There," Pride smiles. "All gone!" He turns around, only to see that Pride Jr. has made a mess of his own on Father's chair.

"…I'm so dead…"

An hour later, Pride is sitting on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. Pride Jr. is with him, and Father is watching vigilantly as Envy is forced to clean off the defiled chair. Why it's Envy and not Pride, no one knows. No one understands Father's ways. He's too damn old.

**Aaaaaaaand that's it for this adventure of KCA. This one's a bit weird since it was written at one in the morning, but hey, it's a crackfic. Almost anything goes. **


	5. Chapter 5: Kimblee's Community Service

**This was inspired by a whole list of random things that I've no desire to bore you with. **

**Disclaimer: I own neither FMA nor the song Firework by Katy Perry. **

Off in the desert, Kimblee the crazy arsonist is doing community service (but for what community, exactly, we're not sure, since no one lives in the desert). Jean Havoc is supervising him to make sure he doesn't escape, and Ed and Al are there for no discernible reason.

Kimblee's community service job consists of making all the old and malfunctioning cannons explode. He's rather enjoying it, and has decided to sing while he works, much to the amusement of Jean.

"Boom, boom, BOOM!" Kimblee sings as he prances around, punctuating each word with a cannon explosion, "even brighter than the moon, moon, MOON!"

Jean watches on, entranced by the pretty and colourful firework-like explosions. Al is not paying attention and is daydreaming about kitties. Ed is bored. So bored, in fact, that he decides to write a letter to the great forces of the universe and ask if they can make Roy and Lust appear, to make things more interesting. It happens to be his lucky day, so the great forces grant his wish.

"We're heeeeeeeere!" Roy announces as he appears on the ground in the middle of one of Kimblee's colourful explosions. Lust is standing next to him, looking lusty.

Edward grins maliciously. "Let's make things even more interesting…HEY KIMBLEE!" he yells. "LOOK! MORE THINGS TO EXPLODE!"

Kimblee stops his rampage and looks around. Sure enough, he spots Roy and Lust. Sneering, he approaches Lust. "Hey baby," he says. Roy glares at him, but Kimblee ignores it because he's a crazy. "You're a firework!" And with that, Lust explodes into a large red firework.

Jean claps his hands excitedly. "Yay! Yay! Do it again! Do it again! Whee!"

Kimblee complies. This time, Roy explodes into a giant orange flame-shaped firework. Jean practically falls over with glee. "YAAAAY!"

Ed sighs. This wasn't as entertaining as he thought it would be. He looks around, and suddenly notices Al has disappeared. He gets a sinking feeling and heads off to find his brother.

After a long, boring, and rather dusty trek through the sand, Ed approaches an oasis. It just so happens that Al is at this oasis, and the oasis is one of applesauce. Al has his back to Ed so Ed can't see what he's doing, but Ed can hear him singing.

"La la la la la la la la LA la la la la la la la!" Al trills as he sings the lalaland song.

Edward comes up behind him. "AL!" he yells. "WHAT THE FUHRER ARE YOU DOING?"

Al turns around now. "Look brother!" he says, holding out his hands. "Applesauce kitty!"

Ed glances at it. "It's just a puddle of applesauce on your hand," he deadpans.

"No, brother," Al pouts. "Look closer!"

Ed complies, moving his head so it's 0.00000001 meters from the applesauce puddle. Sure enough, it is (very vaguely, mind you) kitten-shaped.

"Huh. Go figure."

Al suddenly gets stars in his eyes. "Can I keep it brother? Can I? Can I? Can I can I can I can I can I can I can I can I-" He is cut off when Ed leans back down and licks the applesauce cat off Al's hand.

"WAAAAAAAH!" Al bursts into tears. "I hate you, brother!" He turns and runs back over to Kimblee and Jean. Meanwhile, Ed jumps into the applesauce oasis and goes for a swim.

When the sobbing mess that is Alphonse Elric gets back over to where Jean and Kimblee are, he immediately flops down beside Jean and cries, "Ed destroyed my kitty! WAAH!"

Jean pats the suit of armor on the head. "It's okay, Al," he says.

"NO IT'S NOT!" Al screams. He gets up and runs at Kimblee, tackling him to the ground. Kimblee is crushed.

"Get off me!" the crazy arsonist yells, though it sounds more like, "Gher oof meh!"

"Not until you make me a kitty!" Al bellows.

"Fine!"

Doing the best he can since he's being crushed, Kimblee picks a big, misshapen sand dune and, with a few choice explosions and some whispered explosion noises, the sand dune turns into a kitty.

"YAAAY!" Al cheers. Then, he runs at the kitty and flops on it happily.

"Well, Kimblee," Jean announces, "I think you've done enough community service, so let's take you back to Amestris cause we trust you now and totally don't think you're going to go destroy everything because clearly you're no longer insane!"

Of course, there is no way Kimblee's going to argue with that, so he and Jean head back to Amestris, leaving Al with his sand kitty and Ed with his applesauce pond until next time.


	6. Chapter 6: Restaurant

**I'm baaaaaaack… **

**This is random and messed up, but you expected that, didn't you? Also, IT'S REALLY LONG (for crack). OH MY GOSH. I felt like I had to do it though…the stress of life is starting to get to me, so this was almost like some kind of twisted therapy. Anyway, enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, or anything I referenced. **

**On references: there are a total of five references, six if you count the one I'm absolutely positive no one is going to get. If you can get at least four of the references, you will receive a mention the next time I update this fic! (Because yes, I am going to update this again sometime. It's just too fun!) **

It is a warm fall day in Central, and the Homunculi, Elrics, and Roy and Company are all at the newly opened restaurant Father's Retreat in order to celebrate Central Day. The big group is all seated at one ginormous table. A waiter who looks suspiciously like a chimera (cat ears are surely not nondescript) is trying and failing to take everyone's order.

First up is Gluttony. Anyone in Central would know that Gluttony doesn't order at restaurants: instead, he waits for permission to go into the kitchen himself and eat all the food he can find. The waiter is not from Central, however, so he does not know this and attempts to take Gluttony's order. This results in a rather awkward moment in which Envy explains why Gluttony won't speak, and then promptly feeds the waiter's notepad to Gluttony as an apology. Then Envy tells Gluttony to go to the kitchen and see what food he can scavenge and that he is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES to eat someone's order. Gluttony obeys, Envy says he wants a delicious tuna sandwich, and the waiter slinks off to go get a new notepad so he can write that down. Then he comes back, and moves on to the next person, who happens to be Sloth.

"Um…sir…?" The poor waiter pokes Sloth, who is sleeping soundly and mumbling "Too much…effort…"

"Oh, just ignore him," Lust says to the waiter with a wave of her hand, hardly taking her eyes off Roy, who is several chairs away. "He doesn't eat anything anyway, so there's no point in trying."

"Oh…alright then," the waiter says. "Then what would you like, madam?"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME 'MADAM'!" Lust explodes with rage for a reason no one else understands but her. "I DEMAND THAT YOU REFER TO ME AS 'YOUR MOST LOVELY AND LUSTFULNESS'!" Apparently, women such as her enjoy being referred to as such.

The poor waiter, now wishing he was somewhere else (and possibly even all cat instead of half-cat) tries again, his voice trembling: "A-alright, your most lovely and lustfulness. May I take your order?"

"NO YOU MAY NOT! YOU DO NOT RESPECT ME, AND AS SUCH I WILL NOT HONOUR YOU BY ALLOWING YOU TO TAKE MY ORDER."

Needless to say, the waiter did not attempt to take Lust's order again, even when he arrived at Roy and Company's end of the table which is where Lust had ended up after stomping off.

But, taking the orders of Roy and Company is just as difficult as taking the Homunculi's orders. For starters, Kain Fuery can't make up his mind.

"Uh… well, let's see… I'll have the, uh…" The waiter face-palms, and Sheska continues to gaze at Kain, oblivious to everything. "Uhhhhhhh… do you have any suggestions?"

"Well," the waiter begins, "we have several different kinds of soup—"

"I'm sorry, I'm allergic to bowls."

The waiter face-palms again and, after writing down "the special" on his notepad, moves on to Heymans Breda, who has an unobstructed view of the kitchen and is noticeably drooling.

"And what can I get for you, sir?"

"One, please," Heymans says, with a dreamy look in his eyes and a trail of drool hanging from his mouth.

The waiter knows that part of him will regret this, but he asks anyway, "One of what?"

"EVERYTHING."

It is at this point the waiter finally begins to question the sanity of the people living in Central. Scribbling down "one of everything" he moves on to Jean Havoc and Roy Mustang, who both place reasonable orders with decent syntax. The waiter, thrilled to the point where his tail is now swaying back and forth pleasantly, gets to the Elric brothers.

Edward speaks immediately. "I would like a giant bowl of your best stew, and one for him too," he gestures at Alphonse, who is beside him and trying to look as human as possible considering he's a suit of armour.

The waiter is silent for a moment. Then he says, trying not to sound surprised but failing horribly, "You're a talking suit of armour!"

"I'm a talking suit of armour; you're a cat-human hybrid. Your point was…?"

The waiter writes down "stew for two" and walks away as quickly as possible to the kitchen, where he discovers that, of the five chefs, only three remain (and we know what happened to the two missing, now, don't we? OM NOM NOM.).

* * *

><p>The food is ready to be served after an hour. The waiter, with arms, legs, and even tail laden with dishes, leaves the kitchen for the first time after entering it after taking everyone's order. When he gets out the door, he sees the short blond boy with the braid and red coat on top of the table, dancing and yelling something that sounded like, "OPPAN ELRIC STYLE!" Feeling mentally disturbed, the waiter ignores this display and goes about distributing the meals. Everything is going well—he even gets praise from Envy who, upon seeing his sandwich, squeals, "Tuna, tuna! Delicious tuna!"—up until he gets to Wrath and Pride.<p>

This should have been mentioned earlier, but Pride is sitting in a high chair. Not for lack of normal chairs, mind you, but because Father and Wrath would not allow him to sit in a normal chair. Pride, for his part, protested vehemently, but no one ever listens to him (especially not his shadows; they hold grudges) so he got stuck in the high chair and is now shooting dirty looks at anyone who dares to meet his eyes.

The waiter places Pride's meal in front of him, but just as he goes to walk away, Pride says darkly, "Where is my applesauce?"

The waiter turns and says, "Well, you see, sir, we don't serve applesauce here—"

Pride's shadows pick up the waiter and toss him out the door. Then, the rest of everyone who doesn't yet have their food invades the kitchen and gets it themselves. They eat, leave generous tips, and exit the building. And enter Father, who collects the tips into his pocket.

"My precious," he says, examining one coin very closely, "my precious…our plan is nearly complete!" The chefs watch Father with a certain amount of fear; they are not nearly old or senile enough to understand Father's ways. Father leaves the restaurant now, and as he does so a cannon fires a banner into the air that reads, "FATHER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING." He returns to his lair to do confusing things that no one understands until next time, when he'll continue doing them but you'll get to read about them.

**How many references did you catch? Review and tell me which ones you got, or think you got, and I'll tell you if you're right! **


End file.
